My Totally Whacky Life

Only in the IS industry

2009-01-03T10:58:00.001-08:00

I was reading Jared's blog earlier today, specifically an article about a guy needing help settingup a computer monitor, and I thought to myself "Self, that is SO right!". I liked Jared's examples (go read the article, you layabout!) and decided to add a few things people have asked me to do over the years. This list is factually correct, and so may be used by anyone doing a research paper on the effect computers have on the average human brain (basically, they turn to a gooey, jelly type substance. Unless they were like that before.)

Switch on a computer. I kid you not. Doesn't happen so often these days, but as recently as about 6 years ago people seemed to feel they needed help turning on a new PC. Of course, you can't tel l them what you really think, so you stand there going through what's happening:

The Poison Letter

2009-01-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

There was a headline on the radio this morning - apparently someone sent a poison letter to the NPA's (National Prosecuting Authority) offices, and the culprits were being sought for questioning.

I read that and thought to myself "I can think of a couple of people who would happily send a poison letter to the NPA. Jacob Zuma or any of his Zumites could have done it. But really, do we need to prosecute?". Then I thought about all the political positioning happening in the country, and my next thought was "Well, I also don't think Zuma is fit to lead the country, but if this is a ploy to make his life difficult then shame on Mbeki." All things aside, we really need to protect freedom of speech, especially against government departments and figures.

Then I found out it was actual poison that had been applied to the letter, and that people had been hospitalised.

Oops. OK, here is a prime example of me getting something wrong. And documented proof that I'm big enough to own up to it.

Well, obviously I agree that those responsible should be sought for questioning. I still think Zuma or one if his Zumites could be responsible, and if so maybe we should request the help of the CIA in "questioning" them, especially since Bush has just recently reaffirmed the use of ~~torture~~ alternative questioning techniques.

English Comprehension and Grammer

2008-03-23T11:07:00.001-07:00

We've been trying to teach TLT to speak properly, using full words and sentences. One of the ways we do it is to help her when we pray (yes, we pray. The rest of you are going to burn in Microsoft for eternity). Here's an excerpt from tonight's prayer:

Jade: Dear Heavenly Father
TLT: Dear Heavenly Father
Jade: We thank thee...
TLT: We thank thee
Jade: for today
TLT: today
Jade: for today
TLT: for today
Jade:we thank thee
TLT:we thank thee
Jade: that we could visit
TLT: visit
Jade:that we
TLT: that we
Jade: could visit
TLT: could visit
Jade:Granny
TLT: Granny
Jade: and Grandpa
TLT: Grandpa
Jade: and
TLT: TWB
Jade: AND
TLT: Oros Girl
Jade: __AND__
TLT: Loo Poo
(this in a slightly confused voice, because he wasn't there today)
Jade: say and please
TLT: and please

At which point Jade and Synack break down into hysterical laughter. Who says raising a three year old doesn't have it's moments!

Gas Leaks

2008-03-11T03:30:00.001-07:00

I'm going to share something with you, the reader of this blog, that yuo may not have been aware of. I sometimes suffer from "gas". You know, the Pizza that had too much salami, , the garlic cheesy beans that had too much, well, everything. IT causes gas. And that gas has to leave somehow. It's a pretty natural thing, although I do admit that being strongly affected by smells, it's not exactly a pleasantly natural thing.

OK, so you're up to speed. It's a natural thing, it's a bit unpleasant but it's necessary. What is totally unnecessary is for you to walk into my office, start going through some files (which is OK), and to then fumigate the room with such apparent zeal that the paint starts peeling on the monitor. Oh, wait, that's not paint. The plastic is corroding. Great. And then, when I look at you expectantly (trying really hard to hold my breath because we BOTH know where that smell is coming from and it isn't from the ears. Well, we hope it isn't from the ears.) you sort of gaze back at me with this placid expression that belies the fact that you're obviously trying really hard to ignore the fact that the paint on the drawers is busy bubbling, and some poor soul walking past the door just passed out.

"Err, oops. Sorry about that" may be a little bit embarassing, but really, there are TWO of us in here, and I know it wasn't me. At least she didn't try to blame the penguin.

Why I'm glad to be me (Part 2)

2008-03-10T23:17:00.001-07:00

I submitted a post on slashdot yesterday. It was in response to a story titled "Why aren't Linux users gamers?". Here's the post:

I think that, on the whole, we prefer creating games to playing them, that's not that we don't enjoy playing games, though. Speaking for myself, when I first start playing a game I enjoy it. But unless the game is really brilliant (and there really aren't too many of those for me), I soon start looking for ways to "game" the system, make it do things it wasn't meant to, preferably benefiting me in the process.

I honestly don't think a lack of games on the Linux platform inhibits me, considering I own a PS2, PS3 and a WII. I actually haven't played many PC games in quite some time.

Which, I thought was a fair summary of how I felt. Then I get this response:

But unless the game is really brilliant (and there really aren't too many of those for me), I soon start looking for ways to "game" the system, make it do things it wasn't meant to, preferably benefiting me in the process.

Congratulations? Nobody else is smart enough to do anything like that?

I honestly don't think a lack of games on the Linux platform inhibits me, considering I own a PS2, PS3 and a WII. I actually haven't played many PC games in quite some time.

So what you're saying is that you're more than willing to sink a lot of money in multiple consoles (and presumably all the extra equipment that goes with them) and console video games--owning three consoles is more than most people. So you're definitely a "gamer." But then you say you're not one and that it's because Linux users are superior (which is how "we prefer creating games to playing them" comes across) that more linux video games don't sell?

*scratches head* I'm not quite sure I follow your logic..

So, I just wanted to say that it appears that a vast portion of the population (at least on Slashdot) have the comprehension of an average 6 year old in a South African school (which is roughly equivalent to the comprehension ability of a squirrel on multivitamins).

I'm glad that I do better than that. Most of you do too. You're a mostly bright bunch, although a bit hard on the eyes some of the time.

The effect of PC induced Jellybrain Syndrome

2008-03-10T23:08:00.001-07:00

I was reading Jared 's blog recently, and I came upon this article. It's scary how often this type of thing happens in our society. You'd think that we, as a people, the only inhabitants of earth to have overcome the obstacles presented to us by developing Fire, the wheel, caramel in a tin, would have overcome this kind of almost barbaric cruelty. I'm not going to copy and paste, go read the article (go on, toddle off now. I'll be waiting when you get back).

As I read it, I thought to myself "Self, how often has that happened to you?" And the reply I got was "You know, having imaginary conversations with yourself could be construed by some as one of the first signs of mental illness. You should go see someone", to which I responded "Oh shut up. I wasn't asking you anything. This was a kind of rhetorical question. It was meant to stimulate thought rather than a smarmy response from a sub conscious that, while being very well developed and sexy, is still solely responsible for the fact that I don't get enough exercise". Then, would you believe, I responded with "Oh, this is RICH! you sit in front of that PS3 and play FFX-2 al day and all night and then blame ME for you not getting enough exercise?", at which point I pointed out that "I do NOT play PS3 all day and all night. I've played MAYBE three hours in the last two weeks and Jade can testify to that fact", at which point the discussion degenerated into a name calling exercise of note. I didn't even know I KNEW some of the words that I used. But after I'd calmed myself down, I agreed that this has happened to me often.

I had planned on sharing some interesting and funny stories relating to this, but I think the entire argument with myself thing may have damaged my credibility a bit.

What happened to all the posts?

2008-03-10T22:39:00.001-07:00

For some time now I've been tryng to find a way to have different names on different blogs. This allows me to do a number of things, primarily it allows me to post to my family blog using my real name (Bill Gates), while posting here using my nom de plume. Now, you may wonder why I want to use a nom de plume here instead of my real name. Or, if you're not the inquisitive type, not. But let's assume for a few moments you are. Inquisitive. And you're wondering why I don't wantr to use my real name (Bill Gates) here. It's because I don't trust you.

Now, it's nothing personal. I didn't google you and say "HECK NO! I do NOT want that person knowing how to track me down (I live in the USA) to my house (a big one. In or Seattle, I believe), or worse yet, come to my place of work (Microsoft, 1 Microsoft Way, Seattle). Well, not all of you (you know who I mean!). It's just that I don't know you, and trusting someone you don't know leads to all sorts of problems (usually involving rich dead millionaires in Zambia who for reasons that make no sense to sane and normal people wants to give you 35% of his 100 million Euro fortune).

I also want to be able to talk about my co-workers without them knowing who I am. It's kind of embarrassing when you refer to someone as a techno-peasant snot nosed lying MCSE reject with more issues than Oprah (and here I'm referring to the magazine) and a body odour problem that makes a skunk victim smell like a breath of fress meadow air and the next morning when you greet them they have a sad tear in the corner of their eye, and look at you with a mixture of guilt and betrayed hurt in their eye. Or stick a nail in your tyre.

So, unfortunately, I must hide my true identity from you. Like Superman, and Spider Man, and Iron Man, and the Green Lantern, and Wonder Women (without, of course, the breasts). As you can see, I'm in good company, and will still respond to any mails you send to my email address (bill.gates@microsoft.com) that actually reach me.

But I got horribly sidetracked, I have been trying to add this layer of anonymity (my super hero costume, if you will), and have found myself completely unable to do so using my normal blogger account (richbilly@gmail.com), and have had to resort to creating a SECOND blogger account. And since you can't change authors on blog entries (a feature, I'm sure), I've had to re-post all stories under my new name. ~~Synackman~~ Synack.

The down side of this is that all comments are gone, and all stories appear to have been posted today. I can live with that, although I'm prepared to bet good money it's going to really play havoc with Google's cached search info. You will not BELIEVE how many hits I get from Google daily. Well, OK, only 2 so far this week, but it's building!

So, go out there and re-enjoy all the new posts I submitted today.

Why I'm glad to be me

2008-03-10T22:18:00.001-07:00

I have this friend. Good friend, actually. Introduced me to my wife (who was then dating a completely different friend of his, so he may not be universally liked). He's not a bad guy, I may even go so far as to say he's a nice guy. Wouldn't say sexy, but that's me.

He has had some aweful things happen to him in his life. Things that would scar a lesser person. Skew their view of the world and the peole in it. Some seriously traumatic stuff. It actually sickens me to think of it, but I need to be strong and soldier forward, if not for my friend, then for my family, who depend on me. But I digress. Twice now he has found ... shall we say aliens in his food.

The first was a bit of chicken in his KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken). "A-Hah!" I can hear you say. "That's not unusual. Many people find chicken in their KFC each day. Some may say it happens sofrequently they have come to expect it!" To which I answer "Yes! You are 100% correct! Except they do not usually expect to find the chickens FEET all nicely crisped in 11 secret herbs and spices."

And more recently he was a bit bugged to find an unwanted ingredient had wormed it's way into his Big Mac. A worm. Looks like a caterpillar, actually. Thankfully he found both halves of the worm, and they were joined at the middle. So it appears he didn't ingest any part of it. I say appears because, you know, he could have easily swallowed a dozen of the things befor noticing. I've seen him eat. Vacuum cleaner companies could learn a thing or two from him.

The worst thing I've ever found in my MacDonalds is, well, MacDonalds.

So this post is dedicated to Jon. Be strong! Hang in there!

Being Funny

2008-03-10T22:17:00.001-07:00

I don't know if I'm unique in this, but I really enjoy making people laugh. Well, laugh and think, but it's usually easier to make people laugh. Given that most of the people I come into contact with seem incapable of rational thought.

I think the primary reason I enjoy making people laugh is because I enjoy laughing, and I can usually laugh at my own jokes when others are laughing too. I think I have a great sense of humour, although my fiends often consider it strange. But then they often consider me strange no matter what I'm doing. I also think I'm rather intelligent, and comfort myself by believing that they are just too stupid to actually get what I'm doing, although I would never tell them that to their faces.

I would like to add quite quickly that I also believe that most of my friends are above average intelligence, which could mean different things depending on who you see as being of average intelligence. But I think they are bright, just not as bright as me. I mention this because I have a theory. I believe that I only get along with intelligent people, and the more intelligent the person, the better we get along. The inverse also holds true, so, if you don't get along with me you probably shouldn't be advertising the fact.

By now you're either laughing to yourself thinking "this guy is a nut!" or wondering to yourself "Is he serious?" Either laughing or thinking. My job here is done.

The Poison Letter

2008-03-10T22:16:00.003-07:00

There was a headline on the radio this morning - apparently someone sent a poison letter to the NPA's (National Prosecuting Authority) offices, and the culprits were being sought for questioning.

I read that and thought to myself "I can think of a couple of people who would happily send a poison letter to the NPA. Jacob Zuma or any og his Zumites could have done it. But really, do we need to prosecute?". Then I thought about all the political positioning happening in the country, and my next thought was "Well, I also don't think Zuma is fit to lead the country, but if this is a ploy to make his life difficult then shame on Mbeki." All things aside, we really need to protect freedom of speech, especially against government departments and figures.

Then I found out it was actual poison that had been applied to the letter, and that people had been hospitalised.

Oops. OK, here is a prime example of me getting something wrong. And documented proof that I'm big enough to own up to it.

Well, obviously I agree that those responsible should be sought for questioning. I still think Zuma or one if his Zumites could be responsible, and if so maybe we should request the help of the CIA in "questioning" them, especially since Bush has just recently reaffirmed the use of ~~torture~~ alternative questioning techniques.

The SA Power Crisis

2008-03-10T22:16:00.001-07:00

There is a new range of generator being advertised on radio - the brand name is Zoomer. However, they make it very clear in the ad that it's spelt Z-O-O-M-E-R (so as not to confuse it with Zuma).

I think their marketing company has missed a golden opportunity here. Just think how successful the following catch phrases could be (remember, Zoomer, this is copyright me now, you missed your chance):

Zoomer - Bringing power to the people
Zoomer - the people's favourite.
Zoomer - Bringing the light of democracy to South Africa (who says I don't have a sense of humour?)
Zoomer - Lighting the way, night and day
Zoomer for president!
Vote Zoomer!
Zoomer - The obvious choice for South Africa
Zoomer - empowering the people.
Powered by Zoomer (The ID could have fun with this one if they buy a gen for their campaign offices).
Cover all your bases - go with Zoomer.
When Mbeki and Eskom fail you, Zoomer will be by your side, lighting the way.
Does Eskom's load shedding leave you imprisoned in your own offices? Get out of Jail FREE with Zoomer!
Krag probleme? Hou jou Mbeki! Zoomer kan help!
Zoomer really is immune to AIDS (OK, low blow. Sorry, Mr Zuma)

And that's just the Zoomer guys. Think of the fun political parties could have with this one:

Zoomer generates a lot of hot air.
Zoomer - the price is right! (Yeah, this one could become a bit controversial, what?)
When you suspect your power supply is corrupted, get a Zoomer

I could go on for hours, but I should probably do some work now.

Watch Your Mouth

2008-03-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine enjoys regaling us with stories of his children when they were younger. And sometimes not that young. The one story he tells starts off in the car on the way to some meeting that he's running late for, with aforementioned child in the back seat. He's obviously in a hurry and driving a bit faster than the other traffic. As he pulls up behind a car, a little voice in the back pipes up "Get off my daddy's road, you idiot!". Gives us a bit of insight into Allan's driving habits. (not that Allan, the other Allan).

I've always found that story funny (Allan does tend to repeat the funnier stories. I'm not sure if it's because they are the funnier ones or because he's getting old), and make a mental not to watch my mouth around TLT. Well, last night Jade was on the way to a meeting, with TLT strapped into the back seat. In her lane is a truck that's not going quite as fast as it could, and definitely not as fast as Jade would like. After checking carefully for cars all around her, Jade pulls quickly around the truck in a quick burst of acceleration that drew harsh criticism from the little passenger in the back, who shouts out "Mommy, stop driving like a moron!".

Mental not to self - stop speaking around TLT. At least until she's 19.